Another Day

Have you ever gotten to that point where you do nothing?

Literally, nothing.

Because I'm at that point right now.

I stayed home all day today and watched TV.

That's pretty much what my weekends and nights have consisted of.

I watch movie after movie, tv show after tv show.

I'm numb.

And I take those movies and I use them to fill the void in my life.

Because movies are art.

They have the ability to take you out of the real world for those 2 hours of entertainment.

It's as if I'm that girl in the movie.

And I meet a guy.
 Yeah, there are always trials.

But at the end of the movie, they end up together.

Happily ever after.

Of course.

And I realize that one day, that will be me.

At the end of these two years, it will be my happily ever after.

But when you watch those movies, it's like nothing else matters around you.

For a while you forget how lonely you are.

And then the movie ends and end titles begin.

And you break down.

So far down that you didn't even realize how far you were from the surface.

You've slowly submerged and all the while you were distracted by other things.

Putting it out of your mind.

Not wanting to deal with it at all.

And now you have to, and you're in so deep you don't know how you will ever resurface.

And when I reread these words, it frustrates me.

Because I realize how alone I am all over again.

And who can I tell?

Tyler is gone.

I have no one to talk to.

And even if I did I wouldn't know what words to use.

That's how lost I am in my world.

There are no words that I could ever use to explain what I'm feeling just right.

So I bottle it up.

And I let it out when I'm alone and nobody can see me in my moment of weakness.

More than anything I just want to get out.

I want to be someone else for 2 years.

I went to a fairwell for a friend of mine this morning.

I met up and sat with my cousin and his friends.

When they had to slip out early I was left there alone.

And you could just feel the hole burning in the back of my head from the stares.

They pity me.

They see me sitting there alone with no one there.

And it hurts more than anything.

Not only to be there alone, but to have them pity me.

It's like a nasty taste in my mouth.

And yet we've only begun.

97 & 1/2 more weeks of this.